December 18, 2013

6 months

18lbs 14oz
27.75 inches tall
17.5 head circumference.

Almost crawling on hands and knees, has army crawl down pat and also gets around by pushing himself while upside-down on his head. Almost sitting up on his own, but really just wants to grab his toes instead. No solids yet. No teeth. Definitely a left-thumb-only thumb-sucker. 9 month PJs/onsies. Smiley, giggly, ticklish. Loves cords, strings, hair and rug textiles. Sensitive to noises and sad music. Cuddle-bug.

December 12, 2013

He was meant for me, and I was meant for him.

I lay here with my little boy on my chest. I can hear his faint pants and feel his tummy bulge as he intakes his little baby breaths. His left ear is likely leaving an imprint on my chest just as this moment is leaving a mark of inexpressible joy on my heart. I hold him because he needs me to, he wants me to. This little one who's experiencing one of his first battles with pain in his new tiny human frame needs his mother near to comfort him. Being his mother I have never felt a joy so deeply about being needed.

Though finals week approaches and much still needs to be done, the art projects I've got sitting unfinished on my kitchen table can wait. Nothing is more important than this fleeting moment that will pass before I know it and I'll be longing for him to need me as he experiences the growing pains of his adult life. Yet then he'll want to do it on his own. He'll want to push through without me because he'll have found his independence.

I find myself being guilted by the pressures of the world to push him into independence. To teach him to be on his own, to make him get used to life as a single being. I find my thoughts wandering thinking that every time I coddle him it's going to have some lasting negative effect for years to come. That because I respond to his cries or hold him while he sleeps he will turn into a clingy, whiny child or an insecure adult. That he'll never learn to sleep on his own or know how to self soothe. These thoughts nag at my soul, and I can't even pin-point from where they come. As if me reading an article or two by some genius baby expert on baby sleep habits has become so ingrained in me that my mind is battling with my heart, telling me to put him down awake, to never let him sleep with me, never do this or claiming you need to be doing that. 

It's time that these thoughts and feelings flee because they are wearing me down. These things go against my very nature and how I personally desire to raise my baby. I want to hold him, he wants to be held, what can be so wrong with that? And so I've concluded, I will hold him because when this moment is gone, I can't get it back. When he grows and no longer needs me or no longer wants to be held, I will remember that I had my time, I had these moments. So I will enjoy as many cuddles as I can while I can. I will to listen when he cries and respond promptly because he'll learn that he is valued that he has a voice that will be answered. He will learn that he is loved and respected, that a family is a safe haven. The other things will come with time. He will sleep in his own bed, in his own room one day but I don't have to justify why he isn't doing that now. There's no reason to.

My sister-in-law told me something that has stayed with me, "Emerson was sent to you, to be your child and no-one else's because you were the only one who could be the mother he needs." I cherish that thought. I feel the guilt dissipate when I reflect on that. I've been given this time with him to get to know him; to be his first love, his first friend, his mother. And his mother I will be, because I was meant for him and he was meant for me.

September 16, 2013

three months of pure bliss

Hey, it's me, E. Since I've been talking so much lately I may as well take over this blog my mom's got going and tell you a little bit more about myself... 

I'm three months old, finally! This life earth side sure does go by slow 'specially in this tiny little body I've been squeezed into. Buuut I guess it's not so bad since I got my memory swiped and I've got to learn all the things I knew in heaven all over again, some kind of test or something, I can't remember. But hey, I'm cozy most the time and my parents give me lots of kisses, it's pretty much all my mom does all day long. I've got a pretty sweet set-up, I sleep in a cradle next to my P's and usually my mom will let me sleep with her in bed when I get hungry around 4 am. I like cuddles, it makes me feel all safe n' stuff. Well, I'm off to bed now 

Things I love//
Pretending I'm running while laying on my back 
Staring at bright lights
Bath time
Smiling really big
Eating my fists
Scratching my face accidentally 
Feeling the hair on my head with my left hand mostly
When Mommy and Daddy sings to me
Talking, goo-ing and gurgling
Playing with and munching on my bear
Standing and showing how strong I am
Morning awake time
Getting my diaper changed
Having my bum patted

Things I'm still learning//
To take longer naps during the day
To drink from my bottle

Things I've learned//
To roll from my tummy to my back
To suck on my pacifier longer
To wriggle my hands out of just about any burrito-wrap swaddle
To mimic mommy sticking her tongue out at me
To grab and pull things to my mouth or knock things with my fist using my left hand

Things that scare me//
The shopping carts at Walmart 
When someone blows their nose
Being held face-out and walking down the hallway - I'll tighten up, clinch my fists, hold my breath and then burst out crying
Loud sounds

Funny and cute things I do//
Rub my nose in mommy's chest cause my nose itches
Choke on my own spit and my eyes get all big, red and puffy instantaneously 
Smile up at mommy when I'm suppose to be sleeping, gets her every time. 
Breath in and out really quick when I get excited
My big stretches when mom unravels me after sleeping. I curl my legs in, stretch my arms straight up and arch my back. Oh it feels so good!
I like to hold onto my shirt with clenched left fist

Things mommy + daddy love about me//
My soft tummy skin
My pouty face
The "ksh" sound I make after I yawn 
When I get so excited I hit my tummy with my arms and it makes a ploop sound
My chubby frog legs
My dimples
My cold clammy feet

And basically everything else I do. These peeps are wrapped around my finger. 

My stats that my mom is guessing on//
About 15+ lbs
25 inches tall

Notes from my mushy Mom//
3 months eh, little bud? That's crazy!  Here I have a three month old baby and I don't even remember what being pregnant felt like. As every parent knows, time flies once they're out of the womb. Likely due to the fact that the days are so full of a beautiful simplicity and having a ray of sunshine in your home make the day seem to run and bedtime comes all to quickly. Once he's asleep I rush to do all the other menial tasks I put off doing while I instead played with or rather gazed at my cooing-drooling-kicking chub-of-joy during the daylight hours. The dark hours feel more like milliseconds and I find myself awake far too late once again. Once his shifting settles and all I hear is the hum of the fan and my tasks are done I sit and reflect upon our day and miss him while he sleeps. Hoping his sleep doesn't help him to grow big too fast and yet my prayers plead for his good health, strength and happiness. I love this time I have to get all-the-more giddy about being his mom, talking and laughing with Phil about all the cute things he does. We go to bed with smiles on our faces knowing we've never felt more happiness in our lives, never felt more complete. To think of all that time we would have wasted if we had waited to bring him into our family makes me all the more glad he came when he did. To think of all the "me" time or "only us" time we could or would have, it sounds so bleak and lifeless. I cherish the past for all it has taught me about love and life. What a beautiful reward for faded black memories turned grey, turned white. I am so blessed. I deeply love our little family and know there truly is joy and rejoicing in our growing posterity, and it's only just begun. 

And what you've all been waiting for... 

Pictures of Moi//